I am a pyromaniac who wants to watch the bridge burn to flames

I tend to wonder if I am doomed for life with this sufferable condition of mine. I am rarely ever stable, even when it does happen that I am stable, it only lasts for two weeks to one month maximum. I do have to acknowledge that my stability occurs more often this year, however, I must also face the reality that these bipolar episodes still happen. Currently, I have been in the beginning of a depressive episode and I am perpetually exhausted everyday. Yet, for someone who is deep in a depressive episode, I am also able to mask it very well and still function on a day to day basis.

Though, I must admit that, so far, my depressive episode has not been as scorching, I do not spend days being paralysed in bed, rotting away into nothingness. My urge to impulsively self-destruct is surprisingly low and my psychotic symptoms, such as my hallucinations and delusions, are not as painful and intense as they used to be.

Whilst this depressive episode is not as scorching, I know this is only the beginning of the progression of my depressive episode. I know the nature of my bipolar episodes and I am definitely aware of how it progresses. I know it will get worse. Although, as part of healing is to reduce the intensity of the episode so that it does not become worse, but there is this itch that I have been having to self-destruct and perpetually make this depressive episode worse.

While I am aware that in the most logical sense, I must extinguish the flame, but, at the same time, I am a pyromaniac who wants to watch the bridge burn to flames. You can teach a pyromaniac to control their urges with fire, but you cannot take away the love for fire within the pyromaniac. In other words, I am convinced that I am inherently cursed with my self-destructive behaviour and no matter how much I try to convince myself to not be self-destructive, I still have this itch within me to simply self-destruct and immensely harm myself. Perhaps I was wrong what I said, the urge to self-destruct is high but I believe that I am able to control myself from doing so, at least for now.

Subsequently, I keep wondering why is it that I am in constant search and yearn for stability, but, contradicting enough, I also have this immense urge to simply destroy every bits and pieces of me. Perhaps it is true after all, perhaps I am for certain addicted to the emotional pain. Funnily enough, for someone who is in love with the emotional pain, I also gloat about how exhausting this emotional pain is. It is a cycle, you see, I am addicted to the pain and, due to that, I seek ways to feel more pain, such as through self-destruction and self-harm. After I cause more pain to myself than what I already have, I wonder why I am in such pain. I try to get better from this, then I start to get stable, but I cannot stand stability because stability is unfamiliar to me, so I start to self-destruct to feel the pain again. Thus, the cycle repeats. I have established this part of me in therapy.

The emotional pain is addicting for me because it feels closer to home. Pain is all I ever known, pain is all I know. Growing up, all I ever known was deep, intense, scorching emotional pain, I have never felt safe or stable as a child. Feeling stability makes me anxious because it is unfamiliar territory, and I want to destroy anything that is inherently stable in my life. For instance, I would try to start fights with my husband, testing him sometimes to see if he would really stay. Blaming myself is easier because I like knowing that I am at fault, because if I blame myself for events that happened, at least that will add on to the list of reasons why I should hate myself.

I love to hate myself, it is the easiest language I have ever learned. I am the worst parasite to ever exist and no matter how much I pretend to be a confident and self-loving person to others, to my psychologist, to my husband, I know deep down that when I stare at the mirror, all I see that stares back at me is a self-destructive monster.

Perhaps the issue is I have never really allowed myself to feel stable, maybe I really am the cause of my problems, and there goes the self-blame.

For certain, I am a gloating pessimist.