I often ask myself if it all means anything, if I will ever amount to anything. I presume we are all on this Earth with a purpose, at least we like to think so, because if we are placed on this Earth with a purpose, with a meaning then that helps us cope with existence. There is this big question revolving existence where us, humans, constantly attempt to make sense of our existence.
Why do we exist? Simply because.
The better question lies, why do we always have to ask why? Contradicting enough, why do we always have to make sense of everything? There is no absolute need to have an explanation for everything. People exist simply because they exist. People do certain because simply they do certain things. People feel because they simply feel. The more we question everything, the more we try to make sense of everything, the more we try to find explanations to every little thing, the more insane we get.
I guess at certain points in my life, I became too self-aware and too critical of everything, of people, of actions, of behaviour, of existence. What held me back was not the stressors, the traumas, the pain or even the illness.
What held myself back was me.
What held me back was me justifying myself too much that it is okay to act certain ways, or feel certain ways because I have certain problems with my mood and emotion, even when it comes to extreme unhealthy and negative actions and feelings. What held me back was me not taking accountability of the pain I inflicted not only on myself, but also others as well, whether intentionally or not. What held me back was me normalising the pain, sometimes even romanticising the pain. What held me back was my lack of taking proactive actions, avoiding doing certain things that are good for me.
I spent too long avoiding taking proactive actions that will change my life simply because, ‘I’m mentally ill, I am doomed to be like this forever and nothing I do or anyone does will change my situation so I will run away and refuse to do anything to change my situation, to be better.’
I reflect upon myself a lot and I have come to realise that, yes, I am the problem to my own problems. I can have all these pain, traumas, stressors, overthinking whatever it is yet why am I drowning in my own sorrows and allowing myself to let this pain and overthinking constantly consume me when I can just accept reality as it is, the situation as it is.
My whole life I have been consumed with this pain, traumas and the pain of overthinking that they keep pushing me ten steps backwards. I spent so long telling myself everyday, ‘What’s the point of it all if we are going to die in the end?’ Therefore, I kept resorting to my cycle of self-destructive behaviour, of self-inflicting pain, justifying these behaviours with the quote, ‘I will never change anyways, I will always be like this, I will always come back to this same shitty feeling.’ I keep doing this certain thing where I justify my negative behaviour with, ‘I will always be like this’ therefore I won’t change. I can pretend I have changed but I know at the core, I’m still stuck in this pattern of self-destruction, of self-inflicting pain, and then drowning and crying that I am mentally deranged.
I destroy myself till there are no bits and pieces of me left and I wonder why I feel empty.
There is no doubt, I’m the only person stopping me from feeling happiness, from being stable. I spent my whole life in a pursuit of happiness, chasing after happiness, yet this whole time, the shadow that lingers, the devil on my left shoulder, has been me all along.
I am the reason for my own misery.